Phil 4:13

Background: This is from notes my mom wrote when I was in the hospital. I remember none of this :)

I was born 16 days late via emergency c-section due to distress. I had meconium aspiration. There were problems immediately as they tried to save my life. It was decided that I would be transported to Children's Hospital.  I wound up in the NICU for two months. It was a long hard struggle for me. I was on medication for low blood pressure, which was later switched to a medicine for high blood pressure. I was also on morphine. I was put on a drug for a month that paralyzed me.  The oxygen was pumped into me at such a high rate the doctors were worried it would blow a hole in my lungs.  My lungs collapsed a few times. At a month old I was taken off the medicine. It was the first time my parents had seen me awake. Throughout this process, my parents were told that I had a 20% chance of living and if I did live, there would be a host of problems. I could be crippled, mentally retarded, etc.  From the moment I was born until I went home (on Good Friday), there were people all over praying for me. I was a 'miracle' baby.

When I was 13 months old, my parents found out I was deaf.  They are not sure if it was because of medicine I had while in the hospital that could have burned the nerves in my ear or if it was from the 106 fever I had at 10 months. Either way, all I can remember is this, being deaf.  I have a 92% hearing loss, which means I hear 8% of what 'normal' people hear. With my hearing aids I hear 50%. When I tell people about my disability, I simply say I am hearing impaired because to others, being 'deaf' means not talking, hearing & knowing sign language. (I took ASL as a foreign language, easiest class ever!) At 18 months, I started going to a school for the hearing impaired where I went for seven years. I got hearing aids, I learned how to listen, speak, all that fun stuff.  I wear hearing aids in both ears and I pray never break b/c I do not know how we'll afford a new set.  I had speech therapy for 18 years. I spent a lot of time learning to say "Sally sells seashells by the sea shore" and "How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood".  You know, since you walk around saying tongue twisters all the time. :) I still have to keep myself in check, and my parents STILL, at 30 years old, correct me.  And, at 30 years old, I still roll my eyes and say "whatever, you know what I mean". My mom says if she knew I would be deaf, she would have given me a different name :) I think I was 14 the first time I said my name without any hesitation or stumbling. Stacy Speck (maiden name). I was so happy when I got married & became a Thompson.

So that's the background.

I grew up in a Christian home.  I accepted Christ into my heart when I was 8 years old. My parents had given me a Bible & I was a voracious reader. I think I read the whole Bible, because it was a Children's Bible. One night I was reading the Bible when my mom came in because it was bedtime. I do not remember all the details but she asked if I wanted to ask Christ to come in my heart.  This is where it gets hard.  At that time, what went through my head were two verses.  Matthew 7:7 & Mark 7:31-37. Ask & ye shall receive. Jesus healed the deaf & mute man.  As you can imagine, my childhood was not easy. I was teased, bullied, I struggled.  I wanted so badly to hear. When I asked Christ into my heart, I thought He would heal me.  Obviously, He did not answer that prayer the way I wanted Him to.  I'm not sure of the time frame between asking Christ into my heart & this next event because I always thought it was the next morning, but in writing this out, I remembered that my bed was in one spot when I asked Christ into my heart, and when this happened, my bed was in another spot, under the window.  This was a big deal because my mom was very against me moving my bed there so it was a victory to have my bed where I wanted it. Weird way to remember it I know.  One morning, I don't know when, but I was still 8 years old, I woke up & I could hear noise. I rushed out to my mom & said mom I can hear!  Either she pointed it out or I remembered - I had fallen asleep with my hearing aids in (normally I sleep without them).  I was devastated. I was heartbroken, I was crushed.  In those short moments, I thought God answered my prayer & healed me. When I realized that He didn't, I was mad. Angry. Hurt. Any emotion you can think of, I felt. For the next eight years, I rebelled against God & my parents. I harbored so much anger and hurt & built up a wall. I refused to be vulnerable, I refused to cry. (I still refuse to cry).  I refused to let others see how hurt I was. I refused to let God work in me. I didn't want to go to church, I tuned out when listening to sermons. I did enjoy the songs though. I didn't read my Bible.  Even in those years, God was working on me, no matter how much I fought it and refused to acknowledge it. In eighth grade, I knew the crowd of girls I was hanging out with, wasn't a good crowd. I knew if I went to the local high school, I would most likely start doing drugs. That's how much pain I was in. I asked my parents if I could go to a Christian high school so they found one & I went there.  When I turned 16, I went to winter camp with my high school.  It was there that God broke through my walls & I rededicated my life to Him.  I became the class chaplain my senior year & had to pray (out loud) at my graduation. That was a big moment for me.  After so many years of speech therapy and being taught to look people in the eye when they or I am speaking (it's disconcerting when someone's staring at your mouth), I looked up from my 'prayer/speech' and saw people's head bowed.  ... praying. Right. That's what happens when people pray, they bow their heads! I must confess that my nerves went away immediately when I realized no one was looking at me :)

I won an award at my graduation (I can't remember what it was - something about overcoming adversity) and the verse on it was Phil 4:13. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

That has become my life verse.

After I rededicated my life to Christ, it still took 10 years before I was baptized.  I argued with anyone who said that Christians needed to be baptized. There was still one wall I was keeping up. To me, being baptized showed me at my most vulnerable. Not for the emotions of it, but the simple fact that, I had to take out my hearing aids in order to be dunked underwater. It was terrifying to me. Every time I felt Christ nudging me to be baptized, I would turn a deaf ear (pun intended). The decision to be baptized was far more emotional than the actual baptizing. It meant trusting and obeying God, stepping outside of my carefully constructed bubble.

Looking back to where I was & where I am now, I can confidently say, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I have been learning (still learning) not to let my disability define me. I have learned to just explain to others that I cannot hear well instead of pretending that I do and missing a lot of what's going on. I was pleasantly surprised at how much nicer people are if you politely tell them, "I'm sorry, I'm hearing impaired. Would you mind looking at me when you say that". I used to be terrified that people would be rude and mean. I did not want anyone to know that I was not "normal".  Seriously, all you have to do is hear me speak & you know something's up. I've been asked many times where I'm from. It's always a fun conversation & it cracks me up when people don't believe me. "Where are you from?" ... "Upland" ... "yes, but where did you originate from".  I say "I was born and raised in Southern CA", "ok, but where are you from? Australia?".  Then I explain that no, I'm hearing impaired, which always gets an "ohh." and sometimes "I knew you had an accent, but I just couldn't place it".  Australia seems to be the most common one, but I've been asked if I'm from England, Sweden, New York (or Boston), and the South.  Sometimes I really wish there was a deaf country or deaf land.  "Yes, I'm from deaf country, hence the accent" hehe.

Do I still have areas that I let hinder me? yes. I have a mental block about talking on the phone. I'm capable of it, but it freaks me out. I literally freeze when my cell rings and I stare at it, going "pick it up, you can do it, pick it up, you can do it" and I never do. (Unless it's my husband or my mom).  Even if God called me on the phone, I would not pick up! I would wonder why, with all the ways He can communicate, did he choose the darn phone.

Four years ago, I became a mom for the first time. Jordan was 3 weeks early, so I think for two months, I had to wake Jordan up every 3 hours at night to nurse him. You would never know because when I slept ... I slept hard. I took out my hearing aids and could fall asleep in a second. I had to trust my husband in a way most women don't - I had to trust him to hear the baby & wake me up.  Scary thought isn't it, especially as a new mom? From the very beginning, I had to learn to 'let go'. If I didn't, I would be following him around from room to room, taking him to the bathroom with me, etc.  I trusted other people to listen for me. I'd put him down in the pack n play at a friend's house and say "if he cries, let me know".  Even now, at play dates, I'll hear a kid and ask "is that mine or yours?".

If you've met my boys, you know one thing: they are LOUD. Especially the little one. Pint sized with a big voice. Boys can be loud, but ... still. I used to feel bad and apologize for how loud my boys are. At one point I worked with Jordan on not yelling for me in the house, b/c I was embarrassed that he was yelling at other people's houses. This backfired on me one time when Jordan got stuck somewhere and was quietly calling for me ... so we made a new rule. You may only yell at home :) I learned to be thankful for how loud they are and to not apologize. Yes, they are loud, and yes, God blessed me with that.

If I didn't let go in those early days a new mom, not only would I be robbing my boys of their independence to grow and learn, away from me (even in other rooms of the house as I blow dry my hair and cannot hear them), I would be trusting myself & not Christ. I had to acknowledge my limitations, deal with them the best I could, and trust Christ with the rest.

I still struggle. I still have moments when I'm mad & hurt.  Especially when I'm in situations that are hard for me.  By leaning on Christ and in trusting Him, He has given me the strength & courage to deal with it.  I remember Phil 4:13.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.